Have you ever legitimately prayed for God to let you die?

This post is difficult for me to write and is going to be quite lengthy, so bear with me please!

Two years ago, I rode a roller coaster at Kings Island (the Beast), and from that moment on my life changed forever. I woke up a few days after riding the coaster, to excruciating pain shooting down my lower back, buttocks and left leg, all the way down to my foot (for those of you who’ve experienced sciatic pain, you know what I’m talking about). I freaked out, tried to get out of bed, and immediately fell to the floor. I couldn’t put pressure on my left side. My foot was useless and my knee felt like it was going be crushed under my own weight.

I forced myself to get up and go to work. I truly thought I had slept wrong and that the feeling would
come back/pain would go away, once I got up and moved around. I was at work all of an hour before
leaving. I called my mom crying, asking what I should do. I called several doctors (I didn’t have a primary care doctor at the time, and it was going to take weeks to get one, since I’d be a new patient) and all of them told me to come in, in 2-5 weeks. I couldn’t wait that long. So I called a local chiropractor, who was able to work me in, in the matter of hours. I had x-rays which showed that I possibly had a slipped disc, but they thought it was just a pinched nerve. I returned the next day for an adjustment. Oh my goodness, did it do wonders! I immediately had relief from my knee down and I was able to walk normally again. But I had to give up running, dancing, snowboarding and even watching movies, anything and everything that would cause irritation to my back. 
I had chiropractic adjustments 3 days a week for about 5 months and then things just weren’t helping
anymore.
I had a MRI shortly after, which showed that I had 3 lumbar discs and 2 cervical discs bulging 60%, spinal stenosis, and osteoarthritis. They promptly started me on decompression therapy to place the discs back in, which actually made it worse. I had back spasms constantly after that. I finally gave in to have injections into my back, to help with the inflammation/pain. The first one made things worse,
but the second one helped calm my spasms down enough for me to have the decompression therapy. It worked! The discs went back into place, for the most part. They still slipped out on occasion, but so long as I kept going to the Chiropractor, PT and massage therapist, I was surviving.

Then, for whatever reason, I began having even worse pain than before. The doctors couldn’t figure it
out! I continued with all of my therapies, but nothing seem to help. I was losing hope. The pain I was experiencing, combined with the everyday stress of school, work, my family’s situation, and the medical bills that were constantly pouring in, put me into a downward spiral for several months (11, to be exact), where I cried out to God every moment of every day, praying He would just take me home. I complained about the pain to my friends/family to the point that some of them were annoyed with me, and some flat out told me to stop. So I did. I was hurt that nobody understood or seemed to care. I became a hermit. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. Everyone made me upset. Nobody understood what I was going through. I became a bitter person and I felt sorry for myself.

I’m humiliated to admit that I was angry with God too, and that I just wanted to die. I could not understand why doctors weren’t able to fix me. I could not understand why this was happening to me. I would tell myself that there are people out there who have it much, much worse than I do. But eventually, it didn’t seem to matter. I wanted God to take me home.

I saw a therapist, who put me on anti-depressants. She told me it was okay to not understand. She told me it was okay to be upset. She told me not to give up.

The anti-depressants worked to get me out of the constant crying, but it wasn’t a permanent fix, and I knew that.

I began reading my Bible again, crying out to God for forgiveness and asking people for their prayer. And God provided for me greatly – I was in so much medical debt, I didn’t know what to do. But friends and family and sometimes strangers, started helping out, most times without me ever saying a word! My professors showed mercy on me, when it came to being late to classes, because I couldn’t sit in a car for more than 5 minutes (I legitimately stopped at every gas station to get out and walk). God was looking out for me even though I was angry with Him.

Unfortunately, 6 months later, I woke up to have severe pain in my left hand. My middle and index finger were completely numb. I was so panicked that I immediately went to the Urgent care, who then sent me to a specialist that day. Turns out, I have carpal tunnel syndrome – I honestly didn’t really know what it was until now, but goodness it’s painful!
While at the Urgent Care, I think the lady felt sorry for me, reading through all of my issues, and she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory medication. And boy, am I so thankful for her!!!

That medication has given me my life back! And this is coming from a girl who is anti-medication! I still can't go running, snowboard or play frisbee, but I can finally dance again, and I can sit and watch an entire movie without severe pain. Why none of the other doctors thought to put me on anti-inflammatory's for my arthritis before, I will never know. The combination of meloxicam and staying active/physical thereapy, I feel like a whole new person!

Shortly after getting on the medication, a lady at work came up and I will never forget her words to me. She said “Alicia, your smile is back and I can see your joy again!” I asked her what she means and she told me that she’s been so worried about me, because I hadn’t been smiling or talking to anyone at work like I always had.   My heart sank, knowing I let satan use pain to destroy my witness. I am humbled to know that God is God, and always will be. He loves me. He will always care for me, even in my darkest hour.

So now, with all my experience with back/neck/hand pain, and being in physical therapy. I want to go to school to become a physical therapist assistant! I feel like since I can relate to people who also have chronic pain, I will be better suited in helping them overcome it.

Long time, no post!

I gave up my blog back in 2014 because I had a lot of negative responses flooding in, through private messages. I was discouraged by them to the point that I had given up blogging altogether. But, I’m back :)

Lately, I’ve felt the need to share my story of the recent changes in my life, but before I do, this post will just be a quick update leading up to this point in time.

Let’s see here, in 2014 my parents got divorced, I had my second hand surgery, I started dating someone, my grandfather passed away, I rode a roller coaster which led to me having chronic back problems (I will elaborate in my next post), my best friend got married, and I moved out.

In 2015, my roommate and I adopted two kittens, one of my brothers left home and the family, I decided once I graduate, I want to go back to become a physical therapist assistant (I’ll explain why in the next post).

Now, for the present time, 2016.
 I still work at Amazon and I’m still in school at JCTC. I will graduate Fall of 2017 with associate degrees in both commercial photography and graphic design. I began taking classes to put towards the Physical Therapy Assistant (PTA) program this past summer. I started a photography internship with Amanda H Photography back in April and will hopefully have my 300hrs for school by next spring. I am still dating the same guy, and I still have the same roommate and adorable kitties :) I struggle greatly with the current presidential candidates; I can’t wait for the election to be over with already! My best friend will be giving birth to her first child (a son!) in November – I can’t wait! And two more of my dear friends got hitched just a couple weeks ago – yay! My roommate bought a house last month, so we’ve been preparing to move by the end of the year.

I think that about sums it up, as briefly as I can make it ;)