You see, I'm dyslexic, I have insane test anxiety, and I am an extremely slow learner; however, I didn't know about the dyslexia until I was in high school. As a child I felt dumb and pathetic and knew I would never attend college.
During high school, things did get easier for me. I essentially learned how to teach myself. I would read my papers/assignments, etc. out loud as if I were teaching someone else. But if someone was actually listening to me, I couldn't keep my focus and would get so nervous that I'd stutter over my words, and then of course I would feel even more stupid. Sometimes it took a week to get through a single page, and other times I flew through an entire chapter in one day.
Despite struggling, I actually thoroughly enjoyed high school. I felt like I was conquering something huge! And then I graduated. I was sad because I loved learning new things. But I also knew that I couldn't attend college.
I was afraid to fail.
Fast forward a few years (there will be another post coming about these years), and I did, in my mind, the unthinkable. I applied to a local community college. I took entrance exams. I signed up for classes. And I refused to go through the disabilities program for help (I wanted to prove to myself what I could really do on my own).
There were some semesters that I only took one or two classes and felt like it was too much, and then there were others where I took up to five classes at once! I was overwhelmed. I puked before, during and after every written exam (this is probably under exaggerated). I just kept praying that I would get grades at least high enough to graduate. I never looked at final grades. I just asked my professors if I passed or not. I just needed to get by. But I definitely lost hope easily.
And then I got a letter. This letter was from the dean of my school during my third semester... at just about the same time I felt like a failure and wanted to quit. It stated that I had a 4.0 gpa and asked if I would consider tutoring struggling students once a week...
What?! This was impossible in my mind. Didn't he know I was a struggling student? Did he know how much a threw up during my exams? Or how many nights I went to bed crying without finishing my homework? Clearly he was looking at someone else's transcript.
That letter gave me more than hope, though. It gave me determination. I wasn't just going to graduate. I was going to be an honor student.
And I did it. I graduated college... with honors!
I can thank Jesus, my family, boyfriend and professors for all of it. They were always encouraging.
I'm not saying I don't have (a LOT of) doubts, stress, uncertainty, or that I never feel stupid or like a failure anymore. But this accomplishment has definitely given me more confidence.
So much so, that I am going back to school again. If I fail, I fail. But, would it actually be failure to try?
Despite struggling, I actually thoroughly enjoyed high school. I felt like I was conquering something huge! And then I graduated. I was sad because I loved learning new things. But I also knew that I couldn't attend college.
I was afraid to fail.
Fast forward a few years (there will be another post coming about these years), and I did, in my mind, the unthinkable. I applied to a local community college. I took entrance exams. I signed up for classes. And I refused to go through the disabilities program for help (I wanted to prove to myself what I could really do on my own).
There were some semesters that I only took one or two classes and felt like it was too much, and then there were others where I took up to five classes at once! I was overwhelmed. I puked before, during and after every written exam (this is probably under exaggerated). I just kept praying that I would get grades at least high enough to graduate. I never looked at final grades. I just asked my professors if I passed or not. I just needed to get by. But I definitely lost hope easily.
And then I got a letter. This letter was from the dean of my school during my third semester... at just about the same time I felt like a failure and wanted to quit. It stated that I had a 4.0 gpa and asked if I would consider tutoring struggling students once a week...
What?! This was impossible in my mind. Didn't he know I was a struggling student? Did he know how much a threw up during my exams? Or how many nights I went to bed crying without finishing my homework? Clearly he was looking at someone else's transcript.
That letter gave me more than hope, though. It gave me determination. I wasn't just going to graduate. I was going to be an honor student.
And I did it. I graduated college... with honors!
I can thank Jesus, my family, boyfriend and professors for all of it. They were always encouraging.
I'm not saying I don't have (a LOT of) doubts, stress, uncertainty, or that I never feel stupid or like a failure anymore. But this accomplishment has definitely given me more confidence.
So much so, that I am going back to school again. If I fail, I fail. But, would it actually be failure to try?
